karen e. bender

AN ATTEMPT TO DEFINE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE UNDER A CORRUPT HELLSCAPE OF AN ADMINISTRATION (SEPTEMBER 2020)

What is the word to describe the feeling you have when nothing bad ever happens to them. Ever. Waiting for a cough, a stumble, an arrest. What is the word for the little knives in the sidewalk ready for a foot. What is the word for the massive wave rising out of the water, the silence vibrating within the vast blue, the crashing wet weight. What is the word for a star hovering in the galaxy, a colossal knot of brightness, moving, gathering heat. 

What is the word for the time hanging over each day like a wet, stinking coat. 

What is the word for the ghostly feeling of an amputated arm, gone, the way one tries again and again, to make a fist with a hand that is air. What is the word for the erasure of everything in the sky, the sky itself blank, colorless, nothing in it, all the birds, fluttering away, vanished. 

What is the word for the spill on the sidewalk, the gloopy thick syrup spreading out endlessly, like glue. The word for the moment when all of your teeth fall out, at once, clattering to the ground, so that you are unable to speak.

What is the word for the slow treading in mud, bare legs pushing slowly back and around, the thick warm muscularity of the mud, the wet slog.

What is the word for crawling toward shade, a branch, a leaf, a tree, a picnic table, the cool temporary flash of blue.

What is the word for the tumbling through the air, the sight of the ground rushing up minute by minute, the way your hands grasp at whatever is around you—the birds jolting away, the sides of mountains, clouds. 

What is the word to describe the desire for rain, for the rush of water, the dousing, the release, the storm, the earthquake, the hurricane, the correction, the clear sky.  But that is pointless, for there is no clear sky. Then, a different word. What is the word for the craving for new light, for the shapes of the world reassembling, what is the word for the sound of footsteps running out of a room, what is the word for the longing for after. What is the word for the sound of a key in an engine. A rusty click and stutter. Then it stops. And stutters and stops, stutters and stops, what is the word for the moment of ignition, for the catching, what is the word for the click, the roaring, the sound of something finally, beginning to start. 

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KAREN E. BENDER IS THE AUTHOR OF TWO STORY COLLECTIONS--REFUND, WHICH WAS A FINALIST FOR THE NATIONAL BOOK AWARD IN FICTION, SHORTLISTED FOR THE FRANK O'CONNOR INTERNATIONAL STORY PRIZE AND LONGLISTED FOR THE STORY PRIZE, AND THE NEW ORDER, WHICH WAS LONGLISTED FOR THE STORY PRIZE. SHE IS ALSO THE AUTHOR OF THE NOVELS, A TOWN OF EMPTY ROOMS AND LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. VISIT HER AT WWW.KARENEBENDER.COM.