melissa CrIsan

Ashland University Undergraduate Student

discordance

That day, on the porch, 
wind chimes bellowed on a  
summer breeze, smoke ribbons 
dancing from your lips. Silence. 
Then you asked me what I wanted. But  
what if all I wanted was everything that kills me? What if 
the moment that question dropped from your lips 
was the same moment I suffocated? Strangled 
by the sunshine that never pierced my 
cloudy day, or the flowers of that tree? The ones that 
shrivel up before I reach and fall 
right at my feet? Maybe 
it's those goddamn windchimes, somehow singing 
even when the air they breathe knocks them silly? 
What's it like? I want that.
I want to be the puzzle, not the  
piece. Complete. To know that 
there is a place for me
in these scorching winds, where I 
am not simply swept away, but making something of the 
madness. A sail upon the sea, not so simply caught
inside a Category 5, stranded on a dream, or just 
another page in a shrink’s library. Harmony 
upon the air that I breathe,
to hear the windchime's song and not the screams, 
I want music through straining, to dance even when
its raining, and find grip amongst the 
clangs and clamours. Not just some
hollowed out, discordant melody. I want to be
that singer up on stage, my voice 
the only noise that breaks the sound barrier. My barrier, 
the one I hide behind when I am drafted into war, a soldier
on the frontlines with her weapon trained 
upon the enemy. But what if 
my gun was aimed at me? What if
I pulled the trigger? Is that what I want? 
You can't hear me. I can't hear me. But
through that crying, I hear you. Your tolling
I hear the autumn gales while those windchimes sing 
a cheer of victory. That is not what I want. 
That is what I need.

MELISSA CRISAN IS A TWENTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD ENGLISH AND CREATIVE WRITING STUDENT AT ASHLAND UNIVERSITY. DEALING WITH DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FUEL HER CREATIVITY EVERY DAY AS AN OUTLET FOR PAIN. SMOTHERING HER TWO DOGS WITH LOVE DOESN'T HURT, EITHER. HER WORK HAS APPEARED IN CUYAHOGA COMMUNITY COLLEGE'S BREAKWALL.